Written to my good friend Lyndith, who resides in Cape Town, and who will always have a special place in my heart - February, 2003
I have decided to explain to you the dangers of drinking beer. By no means do I intend to stop drinking beer, though. I maintain that the advantages of beer far outweigh the dangers and side effects.
To explain the dangers of beer, I will have to give you some background information first - so bear with me..
*takes a deep breath*
Here goes: I am between places to stay at the moment...Oh no! That would require background information too. Upon my return from a recent holiday, I noticed the ominous "For Sale" sign on my front-lawn, only adding one and one together a week or so later. I had the option to stay there with the new owners, but let's face it - I need more power outlets. So the hunt began and now finally I am moving slowly but surely.
That wasn't so hard - moving on
With the whole moving thing, I had food in one place, and everything needed to prepare and consume them in another, which led me to have lunch at a third...And knowing the dangers, I still submitted to the temptation of having a beer at lunch (I might add at this point that I did resist having two...which is harder to resist than an unguarded bowl of Chocolate mousse and no witnesses).
It was the influence of that one beer that led me to the theory: "The human race did not evolve naturally and are indeed from alien origin". Again...more background required.
During one of my rare, but interesting weekends in nature, I was enjoying the beauty of the trees and the melodious singing of the birds. I realised that it's really the collection of bird-noises that was pleasant and that the individual bird-sounds were actually quite annoying. Imagine living and being able to make only one noise. From that point forward the background has no more relevance, as I proceeded to think about not wanting to be a bird (I mean, the flying thing is great...but the rest pretty much bites) and if there were any more beers left.
It was only after the aforementioned lunch that I started forming ideas around what the birds are actually saying...and quite frankly, it must be; "SEX PLEASE!"...over and over. Now if you ran into someone, who constantly screamed that at the top of their lungs - the odds of that encounter leading to intercourse are rather slim. However, according to the laws of Natural Selection, the correct response would be to judge the person according to clarity, volume and the brightness of his feathers and proceed to fornicate.
Clearly...the human race do not follow the laws of Natural Selection. If we had, we all would've been highly intelligent super models. Now add that everything else in the animal kingdom depends on Natural Selection to ensure their survival and evolved as a result of that. Ergo - humans can not possibly have evolved and are thus Alien.
Now, you might be thinking; "what does this have to do with the dangers of beer?" - And here it is: It is exactly this kind of thinking that gets people publically executed.
Please stay tuned to this channel to hear my theories on "Why the earth is not really a planet" and "How water causes cancer"...